Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.