Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Guy who likes music
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.