Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
This is enough internet for the day.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.