My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.