*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.