*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
A wise man once said nothing.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.