*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No