Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
lost dog
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
This bar smells like my childhood.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work