@neiltyson: Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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@QwertyJones3: I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
@Sickayduh: "What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*