Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Nothing.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.