Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭