@this503girl: Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.
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@foodfacenow: *crashes through ceiling into kitchen* Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren't you Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
@frankzulla: "Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?" - Guy about to get stabbed bad
@panmidwest: JOSEPH: who did you name me after? ME: you were named after my grandfather GREGGNOG: what about me dad?