Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved