Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.