If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.