If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You have been warned.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot