RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
For the orator and chef in all of us
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.