Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.