Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.