“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*