Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.