Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.