Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer