Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!