@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I'm dying! Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
@IMBeanz: When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
@Bandersnaaatch: Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn't that right, Mistake?