*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
You Might Also Like
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
meanwhile over on facebook
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I think I’ll stand
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house