Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You Might Also Like
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.