Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security