Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You Might Also Like
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals