[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in