My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.