[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic