A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
i really liked this one
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.