In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Is this a threat?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Based Erika
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do