@LikeABaus91: Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn't have the same ring to it.
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@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@MollySneed: Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.
@Bob_Janke: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators