the council will decide your fate
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
the #horror is real!
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Comparing yourself to others
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice