[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
#SaturdayBears
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead