[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls