Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
everyone’s a critic
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hit me in the face with a bird
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.