@KeetPotato: [babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police

@DaHess1: Shout out to bicyclists that yell "on your left" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@fightforfood: You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I'll believe it. I'm not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

@rachelle_mandik: Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

@BuckyIsotope: *doctor looks up* I'm afraid you have forgetting about 80's bands disease "Oh god what's The Cure?" *doctor sighs* It's worse than I thought