Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Good morning, Twitter x
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying