Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.