[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Oh yeah that’s it
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: