@Maxine12333: Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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@Lhlodder: Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives? Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
@TheGoodGodAbove: It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
@RoosterMustache: [with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me
@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box