Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
😎 🍻
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.