RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
White Castle for the Win
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*