Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
somebody come look at this
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.