Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
✌🏽
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.