Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
❤️❤️❤️
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.