Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.