[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.