[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.