Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Mornin
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?