Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Cinematography is my passion
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.